Silent Lucidity

You do not push your fears to the back of your head. You meet them head on. You fight them, because only by fighting , will you conquer them. Brave words. But how many live by them?

I had a discussion tonight with a close friend, one who told me she admired me for my strength and my conviction. In turn I confessed to her. I have lived half my life in a blur. My consciousness has always been threatened by my subconconcious. If i had to live my life in perfect lucidity , would I still be here? or would I have slit my wrists a long time ago ( you understand, this is just a huge exaggeration.).

I want to embrace my sister as she reaches crossroads in her life. I want her to feel the belief that I have in her. We all have fears. I have mine for sure. My fear is of failure. for everything I have ever set my mind on in life, I have achieved. And yet I see with clarity the weakness in myself. I am , up to this point, unable to open myself up to others when I am lucid. I fear my conciousness. So she has fears. But she is amazing beyond the word itself. I want to have the ability to let her feel the faith I have in her . I want to have the ability to feed the happiness, the contentment, th appreciation for life that i feel into those who seem to suffer so much in their own doubts.

In all my euphoria, my contentment, in all my belief in the wonders of my life itself, I do have one fear- that if I were to be perfectly lucid, I would never find the strength to give my trust to someone who might ultimately fulfill my life.

Here comes the Summer Son

The music blasted through the powerful speakers as we zipped through the cold winter swiss air in his sleek black SLK. He waved his right arm and we gyrated, whilst his left hand deftly maneuvered the steering wheel, directing the machine through the streets of Zurich. We enter the bar and I order double of the usual, ice cold Sancerre, in tall , thin-stemmed glasses. The wine arrives, we drink, we chat and we lap up the plush surroundings. 30 minutes later, he exits, the epitome of a metrosexual. Perfectly coiffured hair, tailor made shirt, designer shoes and jeans, back to his lean, mean chick magnet machine.

So where am i? i have reached a turning point in my life. As I reflect upon the last 3 years of my life, I take a deep breathe and am thankful for all that I have been blessed with. I am receiving the culmination of all that i have worked for. Along the way, I have had the company of intelligent men and women, supportive friends and loving family. I have dined in beautiful places, seen breath-taking sights, had unforgettable conversations and danced through the night.

I met with an old frined from Tokyo, who happened to pass through London one night. He gave me support during the most trying time of my life; It fills me with happiness that he is finally able to open up emotionally, and to know that everything happens for a reason, and without his support, perhaps I would not be where I am now. And more than anything, I am comforted that he has found the person he would like to spend the rest of his life with.

Tonight, I had dinner with yet another old friend from Sydney. A woman whom I admire more than any other woman besides my mother. at 26, she has lived a life that most would not live their entire lives. She has lived through losing a father to cancer, supported her family , built an empire, lost it allto cancer, and is now on the road to recovery with the same determination. yes, she is human, and she has revealed to me her fears. But she wil not allow her fear to overtake her. For she is better than that. She will not let fate make her decisions. She would take hold of her own life.

As I close this chapter of my life, I do so with joy and gratitude. As they say, what can we ask for, if we do not fear for our lives, if we have those we love and those who love us close to us always? The future is bright, it is hopeful, and even as winter threatens to defeat us with the cold, the heat of the summer beckons. Who are we to deny the course of nature, and the beauty and power of life itself?

The music from his car echoes in my head. Here comes the Summer Son. Indeed.

What are you so unhappy about?

Ive been told that I have a flair for writing, but the irony is, when I am not feeling melancholy, the words simply refuse to come out. Hence, seeing that I am currently riding on a ridiculous high, I shall dispense with the flowery literature and cut to the chase.

In the last few weeks, I have had almost all those close to me lament about their lives. It seems to me that no one , in their twenty somethings, is happy. In fact, they are very UNhappy. I , on the other hand, have been feeling more content and focused than I have in a long time. Everything that I had worked hard for was coming to fruition. I could sit back and enjoy the fruits of my labour. I recently turned 27, have travelled around the world, lived in major cities, am spending my time between london and zurich in luxury , about to emabrk on an MBA at a pre-eminent european school and most importantly, I have amazing people i count as close friends and of course, a loving and supportive family .

I look at these amazing people I call friends. Those who have been frowning , been crying and searching. I turn to 2 men whom i have always admired. A close friend in Singapore, at 27 , a successful entrepreneur, and the other , a man who just turned 36, heading up a major firm and has always lived every moment of his life to the fullest. I ask them, what makes them tick?

The answers they gave me inspired me to pass on their words of wisdom.

My girlfriends are all beautiful , intelligent and giving women. Yet they are unhappy. If we didnt have such high expectations that we set for ourselves, perhaps we would take the time to sit back and appreciate what life has given us. We have time to lament, because we are not struggling to fill our stomahces. We are alone in a foreign city , because we have the fortune to see the world. We feel cheated by men, because we attracted them in the first place. We complain about the train being delayed, because we have the option NOT to walk, and because we are fortunate enough to have somewhere interesting to go to. We have too many pairs of shoes, too many bags, we never go hungry, we have people who love us, we sometimes get pimples, but we will never die of malaria, we are afraid to die, because we have so much to live for.

We forget about how amazing our lives are, because we have so much time to remember the little things that upset us. We stress because we are faced with decisions, but what if we didnt have any options, and every day all we could choose to do was struggle to survive, or die of hunger?

I could apologise for how cliche this blog is, but I wont. Because in reality, we are all so clouded by our thoughts of what we havnt got, that we forget to appreciate what we have.
so instead of saying sorry , I would say, thank you, for reading to the end, and even more so, thank you for letting my words change your life.

That one moment

Happiness is not a journey.. it is one perfect moment in time. And this is where I am.. at this perfect moment. i could not imagine greater perfection.. my heart is at ease.. and the future is bright.. and everything I want is within my grasp... this is what we all desire.. this moment in time..

Papa, Je pense a toi...

Something interesting happened today. I was being driven to Goldman Sachs. A beautiful shiny new bentley turbo stopped at the lights next to me. The old, distinguished man at the wheel turned to face me and blew me a kiss. He wound down the window, as did I , and I said, beautiful car. He said, come for a ride. I declined with a smile. We drove off... As my car turned towards my destination, he yelled something out to me. The Bentley sped up and he stopped precariously in front of a red London bus. What is your name? Daphne. I said. Daphne what? Wong. And off I went. as did he.
i smiled to myself.. how funny it is to share ones name with a stranger...even stranger, at the intersection of fleet and farringdon.

Time passes with a blink of an eye, and all we have are our memories to reflect upon.. Today, I looked lovingly at the photograph I keep constantly at my bedside. That of my family, at our last complete Chinese New Year, daddy, mummy, Dawn, Diane and me. 2 years now, in a blink of an eye. And I still rememeber him as the slightly overweight, always quick to quip, selfless, loving and giving father. 2 years now, and not a day passes that I do not miss him.

Daddy, comment ca va? I am learning french. how are you in heaven? I hope you are happy there. We are well here. Some things have changed, but I think as you look down upon us, you will smile and your heart will fill with pride.

Diane is doing well in school. I miss her. I missed her growing up. Just as I remmeber you as your perfect healthy self, I rememeber her as a 6 year old. My little sister.. She is so grown up now, so intelligent, and learning so much about the world. She has so much love for those around her, so little resentment for the fact that the man dearest to her life was taken away so soon. I promise, she will grow up to be a strong, beautiful woman. In fact, she is almost there..

Dawn will graduate this year. I am sure you will watch with pride as she walks onstage, with innate grace, to receive the honour she has worked hard for. Maybe she is still a little princess, but she has become more responsible than one could ever imagine. remmeber how you used to worry about her? you can stop worrying now. She is a survivor.. she is more than that. She will soon be a star, she was born to be a star.

Mummy? as always, she is the selfless, giving mother and daughter. She was very ill recently, and my heart nearly broke when I spoke to her as she lay recuperating from her operation. Remmeber you said to me, as we watched her prepare your medicine, sitting in the front yard, painstakingly bent over the herbs, never a doubt in her mind that these plants would make you well again, you said to me.. that you loved her so much, and that you didnt know, had the situation been reversed, if you could have the same courage as she did? I ask myself the same question.. would I be able to give the way my mother does? Is there any other woman like her? You were so lucky, and you knew it, to have someone like her. We know it too, and we are thankful everyday that she is in our lives. That she gave us our lives.

et moi? I am going to business school, pops. As you always hoped, I am going to do my MBA. it has been an interesting 2 years, but I always rememmerb every lesson you have thought me. your memory gives me strength, your words are always in my heart. I am often disappointed by people around me, because i ask so much of myself, and i ask the same of others. Remember you said, that one should give but not expect anything in return, or one will invariably be disappointed? That, I am still trying to learn.

Next year, we will all be there to speak to you. in singapore. we will be together again. I await that moment with bated breath. I feel your presence when I am in the air.. i feel your presence when i am in singapore. i feel your presence in my room , in my dreams, everywhere... I know you are always here.

i made a promise. to my family. they will have everything they wish for, as much as i can give. for now , it is only my support, my wisdom (although it pales in comparison to that of yours), and my love. but i will also give them the experiences they want in life.

The man in the car today... made me think about you. Because I made you a promise a long time ago. That one day I would buy you a beautiful sports car.. remember?

I like to think I keep my promises.

I miss you daddy.. Je pense a toi.. toujours...

Another new beginning

In less then 4 months, life begins again. All the effort was worth it, I am off to france, off to business school.

I turned 27 two days ago, and at my party last night, it was dark, but I could see so clearly. The venue sucked ass, thanks to an incompetent event organiser, and I almost did not get a lounge area.. thankfully the crisis was averted.. horrible music, ugly people.. sigh.. Although, i did receive amazing presents.. and my friends made it..

I flitted from person to person. All the people who had made an impacct on my short stay in london were there. But I felt so distant.. there were some I could see so clearly now. some were so close and now like strangers. There was a moment, when i knew we were all already moving on.. This familiar feeling, of joy, anticipation, meloncholy, nostalgia.. wanting to hold on but also needing to let go..

I saw someone, with such clarity. Are we all selfish? In the end, what brings people together? and then i felt another. and i hoped that he would never lose all that is good in him. For the older we get, the more cynical we become. The less we care, and the more we want.

Its the beginning of a new era.. time to start afresh and learn from the lessons of old.

Crossroads

I shield my eyes, as I contemplate the paths that lie before me. Life as a journey, a journey where we cross different terrains, some harsh, others soft and beautiful. We push uphill, race downhill, traverse the plains, navigate the bends. Every once in a while, we come to crossroads. We are hardly ever alone at these crossroads...

Here I am again. I await news this week that will determine which path I will take. Those around me are also facing decisions and changes. A friend has moved on in his career at our company, another is waiting with bated breath for confirmation that she will soon be leaving her job and pursuing a new career.. Yet another is in angst as the new man in her life might soon be forced to return to his home country. And another is contemplating the possibility of marriage in the near future, which would mean giving up her career to reside on a resort island with her long time partner.

these crossroads invariably bring mixed emotions. Happiness, disappointment, hope, sadness, nostalgia.. Life is about change, and moving on. For someone like myself, one who is familiar with change, it never gets less complicated. I look forward to the new path I choose, and wish the best to the ones who leave, and welcome those who enter my life. I never look back with regret, only with nostalgia. I look ahead never with fear, but with hope.

Which path will my dear ones take? Which path will I take? I stand at these crossraods with breath that is bated...