Searching for clarity..

Today, I achieved a coup- the launch of my new blog. Welcome the Snowqueen, pure as the snow that caps the top of Mt Fuji, with a coldness that cuts into the soul, a bitterness that bites the flesh, and within herself, lies a mountaineer who is lost.

I have waited 2/1/2 weeks, and 26 years. Each day rolls into the next, nights are a blur, as I sit in front of the screen, willing the words to come, so that I may purge my soul of the pain that grips it, squeezing the life out of my being. What is lonliness, what is happiness, what is truth and what is the end.

My emotions are like waves, tumultuous, with untenable highs and excruxiating lows. What do I cry out for? For moderation, with subudued peaks and troughs, where the highs almost touch the lows. When will this come? I suspect never. I am caught in a vicious cycle, round and round like a never ending spiral.

I awake, andd the new day brings such joy. I go to bed, and the night engulfs me in its darkness, from which I seek to escape. The wine burns my throat, the drugs dull my senses, the drip bitter but a welcomed reminder of the distaste I have for those I have had faith in and who have betrayed me.

Fuck em. I am so over poetry. The bastards can burn in hell....

When we least expect it, we are sometimes reminded of our mortality. Planes flying into buildings, cancer, tsunami, tube bombings, plane crashes. We mourne those whose live have met a premature end, and we stop to think about the plans we have, the ones that can wait until tomorrow. What if tomorrow never came?

No one wishes to die with regrets, but when we die, how do we regret? A body has no soul, an empty vessel cannot regret. But whilst we are still warm in our being, the only regret lies within ourselves. We all live with regret, every day of our lives. The regret is not something that has passed, something that cannot be changed, but it is something that we find to so deeply entrenched that we are unable or unwilling to change.

When we pray, we shall ask for the courage, to undo our regrets, before the end, when we can no longer feel what it is like, to live within our fears.