Silent Lucidity

You do not push your fears to the back of your head. You meet them head on. You fight them, because only by fighting , will you conquer them. Brave words. But how many live by them?

I had a discussion tonight with a close friend, one who told me she admired me for my strength and my conviction. In turn I confessed to her. I have lived half my life in a blur. My consciousness has always been threatened by my subconconcious. If i had to live my life in perfect lucidity , would I still be here? or would I have slit my wrists a long time ago ( you understand, this is just a huge exaggeration.).

I want to embrace my sister as she reaches crossroads in her life. I want her to feel the belief that I have in her. We all have fears. I have mine for sure. My fear is of failure. for everything I have ever set my mind on in life, I have achieved. And yet I see with clarity the weakness in myself. I am , up to this point, unable to open myself up to others when I am lucid. I fear my conciousness. So she has fears. But she is amazing beyond the word itself. I want to have the ability to let her feel the faith I have in her . I want to have the ability to feed the happiness, the contentment, th appreciation for life that i feel into those who seem to suffer so much in their own doubts.

In all my euphoria, my contentment, in all my belief in the wonders of my life itself, I do have one fear- that if I were to be perfectly lucid, I would never find the strength to give my trust to someone who might ultimately fulfill my life.

Here comes the Summer Son

The music blasted through the powerful speakers as we zipped through the cold winter swiss air in his sleek black SLK. He waved his right arm and we gyrated, whilst his left hand deftly maneuvered the steering wheel, directing the machine through the streets of Zurich. We enter the bar and I order double of the usual, ice cold Sancerre, in tall , thin-stemmed glasses. The wine arrives, we drink, we chat and we lap up the plush surroundings. 30 minutes later, he exits, the epitome of a metrosexual. Perfectly coiffured hair, tailor made shirt, designer shoes and jeans, back to his lean, mean chick magnet machine.

So where am i? i have reached a turning point in my life. As I reflect upon the last 3 years of my life, I take a deep breathe and am thankful for all that I have been blessed with. I am receiving the culmination of all that i have worked for. Along the way, I have had the company of intelligent men and women, supportive friends and loving family. I have dined in beautiful places, seen breath-taking sights, had unforgettable conversations and danced through the night.

I met with an old frined from Tokyo, who happened to pass through London one night. He gave me support during the most trying time of my life; It fills me with happiness that he is finally able to open up emotionally, and to know that everything happens for a reason, and without his support, perhaps I would not be where I am now. And more than anything, I am comforted that he has found the person he would like to spend the rest of his life with.

Tonight, I had dinner with yet another old friend from Sydney. A woman whom I admire more than any other woman besides my mother. at 26, she has lived a life that most would not live their entire lives. She has lived through losing a father to cancer, supported her family , built an empire, lost it allto cancer, and is now on the road to recovery with the same determination. yes, she is human, and she has revealed to me her fears. But she wil not allow her fear to overtake her. For she is better than that. She will not let fate make her decisions. She would take hold of her own life.

As I close this chapter of my life, I do so with joy and gratitude. As they say, what can we ask for, if we do not fear for our lives, if we have those we love and those who love us close to us always? The future is bright, it is hopeful, and even as winter threatens to defeat us with the cold, the heat of the summer beckons. Who are we to deny the course of nature, and the beauty and power of life itself?

The music from his car echoes in my head. Here comes the Summer Son. Indeed.