SnowQueen

Silent Lucidity

2005-12-03T14:42:00.000-08:00

You do not push your fears to the back of your head. You meet them head on. You fight them, because only by fighting , will you conquer them. Brave words. But how many live by them?

I had a discussion tonight with a close friend, one who told me she admired me for my strength and my conviction. In turn I confessed to her. I have lived half my life in a blur. My consciousness has always been threatened by my subconconcious. If i had to live my life in perfect lucidity , would I still be here? or would I have slit my wrists a long time ago ( you understand, this is just a huge exaggeration.).

I want to embrace my sister as she reaches crossroads in her life. I want her to feel the belief that I have in her. We all have fears. I have mine for sure. My fear is of failure. for everything I have ever set my mind on in life, I have achieved. And yet I see with clarity the weakness in myself. I am , up to this point, unable to open myself up to others when I am lucid. I fear my conciousness. So she has fears. But she is amazing beyond the word itself. I want to have the ability to let her feel the faith I have in her . I want to have the ability to feed the happiness, the contentment, th appreciation for life that i feel into those who seem to suffer so much in their own doubts.

In all my euphoria, my contentment, in all my belief in the wonders of my life itself, I do have one fear- that if I were to be perfectly lucid, I would never find the strength to give my trust to someone who might ultimately fulfill my life.

Here comes the Summer Son

2005-12-02T16:12:00.000-08:00

The music blasted through the powerful speakers as we zipped through the cold winter swiss air in his sleek black SLK. He waved his right arm and we gyrated, whilst his left hand deftly maneuvered the steering wheel, directing the machine through the streets of Zurich. We enter the bar and I order double of the usual, ice cold Sancerre, in tall , thin-stemmed glasses. The wine arrives, we drink, we chat and we lap up the plush surroundings. 30 minutes later, he exits, the epitome of a metrosexual. Perfectly coiffured hair, tailor made shirt, designer shoes and jeans, back to his lean, mean chick magnet machine.

So where am i? i have reached a turning point in my life. As I reflect upon the last 3 years of my life, I take a deep breathe and am thankful for all that I have been blessed with. I am receiving the culmination of all that i have worked for. Along the way, I have had the company of intelligent men and women, supportive friends and loving family. I have dined in beautiful places, seen breath-taking sights, had unforgettable conversations and danced through the night.

I met with an old frined from Tokyo, who happened to pass through London one night. He gave me support during the most trying time of my life; It fills me with happiness that he is finally able to open up emotionally, and to know that everything happens for a reason, and without his support, perhaps I would not be where I am now. And more than anything, I am comforted that he has found the person he would like to spend the rest of his life with.

Tonight, I had dinner with yet another old friend from Sydney. A woman whom I admire more than any other woman besides my mother. at 26, she has lived a life that most would not live their entire lives. She has lived through losing a father to cancer, supported her family , built an empire, lost it allto cancer, and is now on the road to recovery with the same determination. yes, she is human, and she has revealed to me her fears. But she wil not allow her fear to overtake her. For she is better than that. She will not let fate make her decisions. She would take hold of her own life.

As I close this chapter of my life, I do so with joy and gratitude. As they say, what can we ask for, if we do not fear for our lives, if we have those we love and those who love us close to us always? The future is bright, it is hopeful, and even as winter threatens to defeat us with the cold, the heat of the summer beckons. Who are we to deny the course of nature, and the beauty and power of life itself?

The music from his car echoes in my head. Here comes the Summer Son. Indeed.

What are you so unhappy about?

2005-10-27T12:28:00.000-07:00

Ive been told that I have a flair for writing, but the irony is, when I am not feeling melancholy, the words simply refuse to come out. Hence, seeing that I am currently riding on a ridiculous high, I shall dispense with the flowery literature and cut to the chase.

In the last few weeks, I have had almost all those close to me lament about their lives. It seems to me that no one , in their twenty somethings, is happy. In fact, they are very UNhappy. I , on the other hand, have been feeling more content and focused than I have in a long time. Everything that I had worked hard for was coming to fruition. I could sit back and enjoy the fruits of my labour. I recently turned 27, have travelled around the world, lived in major cities, am spending my time between london and zurich in luxury , about to emabrk on an MBA at a pre-eminent european school and most importantly, I have amazing people i count as close friends and of course, a loving and supportive family .

I look at these amazing people I call friends. Those who have been frowning , been crying and searching. I turn to 2 men whom i have always admired. A close friend in Singapore, at 27 , a successful entrepreneur, and the other , a man who just turned 36, heading up a major firm and has always lived every moment of his life to the fullest. I ask them, what makes them tick?

The answers they gave me inspired me to pass on their words of wisdom.

My girlfriends are all beautiful , intelligent and giving women. Yet they are unhappy. If we didnt have such high expectations that we set for ourselves, perhaps we would take the time to sit back and appreciate what life has given us. We have time to lament, because we are not struggling to fill our stomahces. We are alone in a foreign city , because we have the fortune to see the world. We feel cheated by men, because we attracted them in the first place. We complain about the train being delayed, because we have the option NOT to walk, and because we are fortunate enough to have somewhere interesting to go to. We have too many pairs of shoes, too many bags, we never go hungry, we have people who love us, we sometimes get pimples, but we will never die of malaria, we are afraid to die, because we have so much to live for.

We forget about how amazing our lives are, because we have so much time to remember the little things that upset us. We stress because we are faced with decisions, but what if we didnt have any options, and every day all we could choose to do was struggle to survive, or die of hunger?

I could apologise for how cliche this blog is, but I wont. Because in reality, we are all so clouded by our thoughts of what we havnt got, that we forget to appreciate what we have.
so instead of saying sorry , I would say, thank you, for reading to the end, and even more so, thank you for letting my words change your life.

That one moment

2005-09-23T17:49:00.000-07:00

Happiness is not a journey.. it is one perfect moment in time. And this is where I am.. at this perfect moment. i could not imagine greater perfection.. my heart is at ease.. and the future is bright.. and everything I want is within my grasp... this is what we all desire.. this moment in time..

Papa, Je pense a toi...

2005-09-20T13:27:00.000-07:00

Something interesting happened today. I was being driven to Goldman Sachs. A beautiful shiny new bentley turbo stopped at the lights next to me. The old, distinguished man at the wheel turned to face me and blew me a kiss. He wound down the window, as did I , and I said, beautiful car. He said, come for a ride. I declined with a smile. We drove off... As my car turned towards my destination, he yelled something out to me. The Bentley sped up and he stopped precariously in front of a red London bus. What is your name? Daphne. I said. Daphne what? Wong. And off I went. as did he.
i smiled to myself.. how funny it is to share ones name with a stranger...even stranger, at the intersection of fleet and farringdon.

Time passes with a blink of an eye, and all we have are our memories to reflect upon.. Today, I looked lovingly at the photograph I keep constantly at my bedside. That of my family, at our last complete Chinese New Year, daddy, mummy, Dawn, Diane and me. 2 years now, in a blink of an eye. And I still rememeber him as the slightly overweight, always quick to quip, selfless, loving and giving father. 2 years now, and not a day passes that I do not miss him.

Daddy, comment ca va? I am learning french. how are you in heaven? I hope you are happy there. We are well here. Some things have changed, but I think as you look down upon us, you will smile and your heart will fill with pride.

Diane is doing well in school. I miss her. I missed her growing up. Just as I remmeber you as your perfect healthy self, I rememeber her as a 6 year old. My little sister.. She is so grown up now, so intelligent, and learning so much about the world. She has so much love for those around her, so little resentment for the fact that the man dearest to her life was taken away so soon. I promise, she will grow up to be a strong, beautiful woman. In fact, she is almost there..

Dawn will graduate this year. I am sure you will watch with pride as she walks onstage, with innate grace, to receive the honour she has worked hard for. Maybe she is still a little princess, but she has become more responsible than one could ever imagine. remmeber how you used to worry about her? you can stop worrying now. She is a survivor.. she is more than that. She will soon be a star, she was born to be a star.

Mummy? as always, she is the selfless, giving mother and daughter. She was very ill recently, and my heart nearly broke when I spoke to her as she lay recuperating from her operation. Remmeber you said to me, as we watched her prepare your medicine, sitting in the front yard, painstakingly bent over the herbs, never a doubt in her mind that these plants would make you well again, you said to me.. that you loved her so much, and that you didnt know, had the situation been reversed, if you could have the same courage as she did? I ask myself the same question.. would I be able to give the way my mother does? Is there any other woman like her? You were so lucky, and you knew it, to have someone like her. We know it too, and we are thankful everyday that she is in our lives. That she gave us our lives.

et moi? I am going to business school, pops. As you always hoped, I am going to do my MBA. it has been an interesting 2 years, but I always rememmerb every lesson you have thought me. your memory gives me strength, your words are always in my heart. I am often disappointed by people around me, because i ask so much of myself, and i ask the same of others. Remember you said, that one should give but not expect anything in return, or one will invariably be disappointed? That, I am still trying to learn.

Next year, we will all be there to speak to you. in singapore. we will be together again. I await that moment with bated breath. I feel your presence when I am in the air.. i feel your presence when i am in singapore. i feel your presence in my room , in my dreams, everywhere... I know you are always here.

i made a promise. to my family. they will have everything they wish for, as much as i can give. for now , it is only my support, my wisdom (although it pales in comparison to that of yours), and my love. but i will also give them the experiences they want in life.

The man in the car today... made me think about you. Because I made you a promise a long time ago. That one day I would buy you a beautiful sports car.. remember?

I like to think I keep my promises.

I miss you daddy.. Je pense a toi.. toujours...

Another new beginning

2005-09-11T10:43:00.000-07:00

In less then 4 months, life begins again. All the effort was worth it, I am off to france, off to business school.

I turned 27 two days ago, and at my party last night, it was dark, but I could see so clearly. The venue sucked ass, thanks to an incompetent event organiser, and I almost did not get a lounge area.. thankfully the crisis was averted.. horrible music, ugly people.. sigh.. Although, i did receive amazing presents.. and my friends made it..

I flitted from person to person. All the people who had made an impacct on my short stay in london were there. But I felt so distant.. there were some I could see so clearly now. some were so close and now like strangers. There was a moment, when i knew we were all already moving on.. This familiar feeling, of joy, anticipation, meloncholy, nostalgia.. wanting to hold on but also needing to let go..

I saw someone, with such clarity. Are we all selfish? In the end, what brings people together? and then i felt another. and i hoped that he would never lose all that is good in him. For the older we get, the more cynical we become. The less we care, and the more we want.

Its the beginning of a new era.. time to start afresh and learn from the lessons of old.

Crossroads

2005-09-05T11:47:00.000-07:00

I shield my eyes, as I contemplate the paths that lie before me. Life as a journey, a journey where we cross different terrains, some harsh, others soft and beautiful. We push uphill, race downhill, traverse the plains, navigate the bends. Every once in a while, we come to crossroads. We are hardly ever alone at these crossroads...

Here I am again. I await news this week that will determine which path I will take. Those around me are also facing decisions and changes. A friend has moved on in his career at our company, another is waiting with bated breath for confirmation that she will soon be leaving her job and pursuing a new career.. Yet another is in angst as the new man in her life might soon be forced to return to his home country. And another is contemplating the possibility of marriage in the near future, which would mean giving up her career to reside on a resort island with her long time partner.

these crossroads invariably bring mixed emotions. Happiness, disappointment, hope, sadness, nostalgia.. Life is about change, and moving on. For someone like myself, one who is familiar with change, it never gets less complicated. I look forward to the new path I choose, and wish the best to the ones who leave, and welcome those who enter my life. I never look back with regret, only with nostalgia. I look ahead never with fear, but with hope.

Which path will my dear ones take? Which path will I take? I stand at these crossraods with breath that is bated...

perds dans la mer de solitaire

2005-09-03T14:40:00.000-07:00

Je suis a ou? They always say that things happen when you least expect it. I feel like I have lived my life in a constant whirlwind of drama, perhaps the result of my own doing. Seek and you shall find. More and more I feel, what I seek is not a place to rest my weary feet but a reason to keep running. 2 weeks seem like an eternity.. so much has transpired and I have been riding on a tide that has lifted my spirit to a high that it has not seen in recent memory. When I least expected, the wave crashed upon the shores, and I am once again beached upon the sands of solitude.
In a week, I will be 27. What does the future hold, how should I know? My body aches.. my mind is fatigued, my heart is numb.
I sought a person who was never going to be mine, I am seeking another who will never be close. Do we really learn from our experiences, or do we simply re-create each one, for we are all creatures of habit.
If the people we meet truly open the windows to their world, then I have travelled miles in a mere 9 months. I want to rest my soul. je veux reposer vraiment...

I’m in love..

2005-08-29T13:30:00.000-07:00

Jusqua’a maintenant, i thought that Sydey was the only place in the world I would ever live in ... And then I saw Nice, and I fell in love. La Mer, La Plage, the people, the food, the language , the buildings. They took my breathe away.
My emotions about my weekend in France are possibly as crazy as the roads that wind around the sea board. St tropex is the playground of the rich and famous, and for someone like me, one who hates to feel unimportant, it was an experience I have no desire to repeat. We dined at the uber famous Cafe de Paris, where I paid an exorbitant amount for an apparetnly nuveaou asian dish, which turned out to be singapore noodles with fried prawns. We did, however, get acquainted with 2 french gentlemen, one of whom is possibly the most charming and beautful specimen of the male race that I had ever come across... they took us to Papagayo and we met again at the Key west beach the next day, where they were with their children from previous marriages! how bizarre, how bizarre.. we were right next to club 55, the beach where the likes of david beckham and bruce willis procure their so called st tropez tan. the line of ferraris and BMWs did little to impress me.. after all, they were depriving me of precious tanning time.. I did, however,find myself in a screaming match with a valate who insisted that we were not to park our rented citroen in a private car park. ..

Such a shame, i did not meet my frenchman before I left Nice, but we will prehaps meet again in Paris....

My eyes did open up to myself.. this holiday. My girlfriend and i have such different personalities.. I did not approve of her less classy and glamourous attire or topic of converersation, but she has such a positive outlook on life, one which I have had to nurture within myself... she was determined to party and enjoy herself in st tropex, whilst i was too busy throwing my toys out of the crib... But i also realised, that to achieve the life that I desire, the only way is up.. and i also realised, that as mmuch as i wish for emotional intimacy, the lure of lust is too much for me to deflect..

perhaps the most amusing event on my trip was on my transit flight to paris, enroute to Nice. a 60 something year old frenchman invited me to his yacht in st tropez, and his holiday home in Nice, the next time I decided to make my way there.. he produced a business card- chairman of a hedge fund in DC...

perhaps money does make the world go round. I saw it first hand this weekend, and i had never felt so poor in my life.. all my experiences have been enriched by the afflucent peoeple I have had to fortune to become acquainted with.. but there is no such thing as a free lucnch.. holiday on a yacht with a stranger? I think not. Money does make the world go round.. i think i might just make some of my own.

Why do I feel so crazy?

2005-08-22T13:19:00.000-07:00

When I woke up this morning, the rain was coming down. The sky was gray and i could hear the patter of the raing outside. My head was spinning from the lack of sleep, but inside, I felt a little light. Only for it to be extingushed soon after...
My last date, Mr Morroco, was showing obvious indifference. Our initial chemistry had fizzled to a big zero. Little boy V was very concerned about me, seeing that I had lost my voice and had been nursing a sore throat for 3 weeks now. But so what? He is fascinating, because he is so young but so matured. that is about it.

My friend, Mr B, and I, had lunch together. He is a Scorpio, very Scorpio. intense, suspicious, passionate, almost frightening. He spoke to me about his ex gf, someone we both know, and how she had recently been trying to manipulate him again. It pained me to see him in so much agony. I empathise, because I, for one, am fuly aware of what it feels like to be inflicted with such intensity. We both agreed, how tired we were of having lows so low, and highs so high. Of being unable to tear ourselves away from the thoughts that engulf us, of being unable to put on a facade. Perhaps I am a little more skilled in pretending that all is well with me. Virgos, intense as we are, are colder on the outside. He, on the other, has his emotions written on his face.

My throat has been in pain for 3 weeks now. The doctor has suggested a blood test for glandular fever. But what medicine do i take for lonliness? no matter how fantastic my life is, i cannot hide from the fact that i am indeed lonely. As Mr B said to me, he wants someone to want him so bad he can taste it. And that is exactly what it is . I even envy him for being able to put those feelings to words, with no remorse and no apologies for his passion. I , on the other hand , suppresse those emotions, shielding them with a shell of humour and smiles.

but we are both drawn to drama. I fall for mr personalities, men who light up the room , but have little time for anyone but themselves. He falls for psychotic bitches.
its a shame. you would think we woud be made for each other then. But the obvious is, 2 supremely intense people would drive each other crazy. We are both tired, we want to be normal. But what IS normality? I dont know... I have never known. But it is nice to know, that I may be crazy, but i am not alone.

Jadore Paris

2005-08-21T14:34:00.000-07:00

You sometimes have the best time of your life when you least expect it. Work, on a weekend, seems crazy, but turns out , it was nothing short of amazin.

I met someone, he was amazing too. Everyone has perceptions, pre conceived notions of what others are like, how their lives will turn out, who they will be with. As do i. And then it hits you, out of the blue, with its sheer intensity that knocks the breath out of you. There he was, non chalent, oh so young, but so beautiful, so intelligent, and so innocent. In him i saw myself, minus the cynicism. Perhaps we are all narcissists.. .

we laughed, we drank , we lived for this moment.

This is one weekend never to forget. Paris, you never know what you will get in the city of lights.

Frankly, I wish i could not give a damn.

2005-08-16T13:33:00.000-07:00

Some people see life through rose-tinted glasses. Others see it in technicolour, a bright kaleidescope reflecting the hues of the rainbow. Some though, like myself, see it black and white.
Life is a stage, and everyone must play their part. What if all the characters were bereft of colour, and life was a series of 1930s reruns.
I cannot see the grays, in people, in situations, in moments. Someone once said to me that I am perhaps bordering on manic depression- highs so high that I cannot breath. The sun so bright it threatens to blind, euphoria that aphyxiates. Lows that compare to the hades. Where the pain burns like the fires of hell for eternity.

People are good or the are evil. I love you or I hate you. I cannot see that you are only human, and like myself, perhaps you feel drawn to me, but you also feel the need to protect yourself from me. Or perhaps, like me, your life is not just about one person.

If you live every day of your life like it was the last, one day you will be right. These were the words of a friend, words that ring with pessimism, and are yet so true. In a world that is black and white, I can only see the glimmer of colour when there is another way out. When my life is about to change, or when I realise it could end at any moment. Only when these thoughts come to mind, do I find the courage to add colour to my palette.

If Love is truly blind, then perhaps I would rather not see,for I would rather be caught up in such sightless emotion, then to continue being merely, colour blind.

Searching for clarity..

2005-08-14T13:14:00.000-07:00

Today, I achieved a coup- the launch of my new blog. Welcome the Snowqueen, pure as the snow that caps the top of Mt Fuji, with a coldness that cuts into the soul, a bitterness that bites the flesh, and within herself, lies a mountaineer who is lost.

I have waited 2/1/2 weeks, and 26 years. Each day rolls into the next, nights are a blur, as I sit in front of the screen, willing the words to come, so that I may purge my soul of the pain that grips it, squeezing the life out of my being. What is lonliness, what is happiness, what is truth and what is the end.

My emotions are like waves, tumultuous, with untenable highs and excruxiating lows. What do I cry out for? For moderation, with subudued peaks and troughs, where the highs almost touch the lows. When will this come? I suspect never. I am caught in a vicious cycle, round and round like a never ending spiral.

I awake, andd the new day brings such joy. I go to bed, and the night engulfs me in its darkness, from which I seek to escape. The wine burns my throat, the drugs dull my senses, the drip bitter but a welcomed reminder of the distaste I have for those I have had faith in and who have betrayed me.

Fuck em. I am so over poetry. The bastards can burn in hell....

When we least expect it, we are sometimes reminded of our mortality. Planes flying into buildings, cancer, tsunami, tube bombings, plane crashes. We mourne those whose live have met a premature end, and we stop to think about the plans we have, the ones that can wait until tomorrow. What if tomorrow never came?

No one wishes to die with regrets, but when we die, how do we regret? A body has no soul, an empty vessel cannot regret. But whilst we are still warm in our being, the only regret lies within ourselves. We all live with regret, every day of our lives. The regret is not something that has passed, something that cannot be changed, but it is something that we find to so deeply entrenched that we are unable or unwilling to change.

When we pray, we shall ask for the courage, to undo our regrets, before the end, when we can no longer feel what it is like, to live within our fears.

Alexander the Great.

2005-08-14T12:39:00.000-07:00

He was the greatest conquerer in all of history. This was a man who never denied his fears, but instead lived his entire life facing up to them. Great men die young, and so it was at the age of 33, Alexander succumbed to fever as the ruler of the world, and he died a free man.
His was a life supported by the unwavering loyalty of the love of his life, Hephaistion, shrouded by the darkness of his mother, Olympias, and bolstered by the unfinished legacy of his father, Philip. He went , he saw and he conquered.

In a time when no one knew where the end of the world lay, he dared to venture into the unknown. In our time, when we have conquered the lands, the seas and the skies, our fears are no longer of the unknown. Or are they?

Alexander could not accept defeat, so he fought on. And although his failures overshadow the successes of most men, in the end, he was but a mortal. As we all are.

so what do we fear? I fear the unknown. Except, what I do not know is hardly something that lies beyond the highest peaks of the himalayas, or the deepest depths of the Pacific . What I fear, is something that most mortals have experienced- a broken heart. Alexander was one who fought numerous battles, won and never lost. And in the end, he died of a broken heart. But above all, he dared to live.

What is it to love? What is it to have lost? I do not know. There are those who are brave enough to have lost , and dared to love again. And so it is, that I, empowered by the courage of the brave, dare to find what lies in the unknown. Because to live in fear, would be to die in its shackles, and to never taste freedom.

Tick. Tick. Tick

2005-08-09T11:24:00.000-07:00

What is a bad day? when the alarm fails to go off, the bus is late, traffic is in gridlock, your manager yells at you, it rains and you forgot your umbrella and youre wearing your Manolos.
Ive never believed in bad days. We like to string all the bad together as we do with the good. Today was no exception. I wasnt having a bad day. I was just being myself- a time bomb just waiting to explode, and today the timer ticked to 0.

For 2 weeks now, I have been comtemplating turning 27. I have been waiting with bated breathe for the results from INSEAD, my apparently successful weeklong courtship with the most recent suitor had fizzled away, and my annoyance with my company , run by a round table of incompetent fools , was simmering to the surface.

This morning, I celebrated with my mentor after successfully obtaining an internship for his 18 year old at my useless company. We chatted candidly over a coffee a chocolate cookie, and he agreed with me- my managers deserved to be shot. As I walked back to my office in the warm sunshine, my mood was light, lighter than it had been in a while. I felt inspired, as always, by my mentor. Then i heard someone call out to me , over the music playing from my ipod . It was him- Mr S. the only man i nearly fell in love with in this city. We made small talk, we squinted at each other through the glaring sun, but even then, I knew we had missed each other. (perhaps i was just projectin...). He gave me a warm, long hug and we went out separate ways.
back at the office, I was feeling fragile once more. My period was making me more emotional than usual, and his reply to my invitation to my 27th birthday party ( i will be in town and would love to attend), made my heart jump and my stomach feel sick.

Then came the straw that broke the camels back. Mr team leader in name, aka I really have no responsiblities, but i love pretending I am running a nuclear power plant, blatantly tried to palm off the most boring of his duties to ME!
I fumed, I turned red and I blew up. There was no way I was going to be bullied by him. He was less than amused by my explosion in front of the entire team, and pulled me into a room to reprimand me. Thanks to my raging hormones, I burst into tears. Ah the shame of showing weakness in the workpplace. Nevertheless I managed to be petulant and insubordinate whilst contributing to deforestation with the number of tissues i was using to blow my nose. Fuck off, I dont need to talk about my problems, much less with you.

Of course, I then had to re-glamourise and head back to my clients office and if i really believed in bad days, i was definlintey having one. There are 2 buildins, with 7 levels each, and my meeting that afternoon was with a new client who sat right behind Mr S. Sigh.

Perhaps we are all ticking away.. just waiting for that final moment.. the timer has been restarted.. for now.