Friday, September 23, 2005

That one moment

Happiness is not a journey.. it is one perfect moment in time. And this is where I am.. at this perfect moment. i could not imagine greater perfection.. my heart is at ease.. and the future is bright.. and everything I want is within my grasp... this is what we all desire.. this moment in time..

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Papa, Je pense a toi...


Something interesting happened today. I was being driven to Goldman Sachs. A beautiful shiny new bentley turbo stopped at the lights next to me. The old, distinguished man at the wheel turned to face me and blew me a kiss. He wound down the window, as did I , and I said, beautiful car. He said, come for a ride. I declined with a smile. We drove off... As my car turned towards my destination, he yelled something out to me. The Bentley sped up and he stopped precariously in front of a red London bus. What is your name? Daphne. I said. Daphne what? Wong. And off I went. as did he.
i smiled to myself.. how funny it is to share ones name with a stranger...even stranger, at the intersection of fleet and farringdon.

Time passes with a blink of an eye, and all we have are our memories to reflect upon.. Today, I looked lovingly at the photograph I keep constantly at my bedside. That of my family, at our last complete Chinese New Year, daddy, mummy, Dawn, Diane and me. 2 years now, in a blink of an eye. And I still rememeber him as the slightly overweight, always quick to quip, selfless, loving and giving father. 2 years now, and not a day passes that I do not miss him.

Daddy, comment ca va? I am learning french. how are you in heaven? I hope you are happy there. We are well here. Some things have changed, but I think as you look down upon us, you will smile and your heart will fill with pride.

Diane is doing well in school. I miss her. I missed her growing up. Just as I remmeber you as your perfect healthy self, I rememeber her as a 6 year old. My little sister.. She is so grown up now, so intelligent, and learning so much about the world. She has so much love for those around her, so little resentment for the fact that the man dearest to her life was taken away so soon. I promise, she will grow up to be a strong, beautiful woman. In fact, she is almost there..

Dawn will graduate this year. I am sure you will watch with pride as she walks onstage, with innate grace, to receive the honour she has worked hard for. Maybe she is still a little princess, but she has become more responsible than one could ever imagine. remmeber how you used to worry about her? you can stop worrying now. She is a survivor.. she is more than that. She will soon be a star, she was born to be a star.

Mummy? as always, she is the selfless, giving mother and daughter. She was very ill recently, and my heart nearly broke when I spoke to her as she lay recuperating from her operation. Remmeber you said to me, as we watched her prepare your medicine, sitting in the front yard, painstakingly bent over the herbs, never a doubt in her mind that these plants would make you well again, you said to me.. that you loved her so much, and that you didnt know, had the situation been reversed, if you could have the same courage as she did? I ask myself the same question.. would I be able to give the way my mother does? Is there any other woman like her? You were so lucky, and you knew it, to have someone like her. We know it too, and we are thankful everyday that she is in our lives. That she gave us our lives.

et moi? I am going to business school, pops. As you always hoped, I am going to do my MBA. it has been an interesting 2 years, but I always rememmerb every lesson you have thought me. your memory gives me strength, your words are always in my heart. I am often disappointed by people around me, because i ask so much of myself, and i ask the same of others. Remember you said, that one should give but not expect anything in return, or one will invariably be disappointed? That, I am still trying to learn.

Next year, we will all be there to speak to you. in singapore. we will be together again. I await that moment with bated breath. I feel your presence when I am in the air.. i feel your presence when i am in singapore. i feel your presence in my room , in my dreams, everywhere... I know you are always here.

i made a promise. to my family. they will have everything they wish for, as much as i can give. for now , it is only my support, my wisdom (although it pales in comparison to that of yours), and my love. but i will also give them the experiences they want in life.

The man in the car today... made me think about you. Because I made you a promise a long time ago. That one day I would buy you a beautiful sports car.. remember?

I like to think I keep my promises.

I miss you daddy.. Je pense a toi.. toujours...

Sunday, September 11, 2005

Another new beginning




In less then 4 months, life begins again. All the effort was worth it, I am off to france, off to business school.

I turned 27 two days ago, and at my party last night, it was dark, but I could see so clearly. The venue sucked ass, thanks to an incompetent event organiser, and I almost did not get a lounge area.. thankfully the crisis was averted.. horrible music, ugly people.. sigh.. Although, i did receive amazing presents.. and my friends made it..

I flitted from person to person. All the people who had made an impacct on my short stay in london were there. But I felt so distant.. there were some I could see so clearly now. some were so close and now like strangers. There was a moment, when i knew we were all already moving on.. This familiar feeling, of joy, anticipation, meloncholy, nostalgia.. wanting to hold on but also needing to let go..

I saw someone, with such clarity. Are we all selfish? In the end, what brings people together? and then i felt another. and i hoped that he would never lose all that is good in him. For the older we get, the more cynical we become. The less we care, and the more we want.

Its the beginning of a new era.. time to start afresh and learn from the lessons of old.

Monday, September 05, 2005

Crossroads

I shield my eyes, as I contemplate the paths that lie before me. Life as a journey, a journey where we cross different terrains, some harsh, others soft and beautiful. We push uphill, race downhill, traverse the plains, navigate the bends. Every once in a while, we come to crossroads. We are hardly ever alone at these crossroads...

Here I am again. I await news this week that will determine which path I will take. Those around me are also facing decisions and changes. A friend has moved on in his career at our company, another is waiting with bated breath for confirmation that she will soon be leaving her job and pursuing a new career.. Yet another is in angst as the new man in her life might soon be forced to return to his home country. And another is contemplating the possibility of marriage in the near future, which would mean giving up her career to reside on a resort island with her long time partner.

these crossroads invariably bring mixed emotions. Happiness, disappointment, hope, sadness, nostalgia.. Life is about change, and moving on. For someone like myself, one who is familiar with change, it never gets less complicated. I look forward to the new path I choose, and wish the best to the ones who leave, and welcome those who enter my life. I never look back with regret, only with nostalgia. I look ahead never with fear, but with hope.

Which path will my dear ones take? Which path will I take? I stand at these crossraods with breath that is bated...

Saturday, September 03, 2005

perds dans la mer de solitaire


Je suis a ou? They always say that things happen when you least expect it. I feel like I have lived my life in a constant whirlwind of drama, perhaps the result of my own doing. Seek and you shall find. More and more I feel, what I seek is not a place to rest my weary feet but a reason to keep running. 2 weeks seem like an eternity.. so much has transpired and I have been riding on a tide that has lifted my spirit to a high that it has not seen in recent memory. When I least expected, the wave crashed upon the shores, and I am once again beached upon the sands of solitude.
In a week, I will be 27. What does the future hold, how should I know? My body aches.. my mind is fatigued, my heart is numb.
I sought a person who was never going to be mine, I am seeking another who will never be close. Do we really learn from our experiences, or do we simply re-create each one, for we are all creatures of habit.
If the people we meet truly open the windows to their world, then I have travelled miles in a mere 9 months. I want to rest my soul. je veux reposer vraiment...