I’m in love..

Jusqua’a maintenant, i thought that Sydey was the only place in the world I would ever live in ... And then I saw Nice, and I fell in love. La Mer, La Plage, the people, the food, the language , the buildings. They took my breathe away.
My emotions about my weekend in France are possibly as crazy as the roads that wind around the sea board. St tropex is the playground of the rich and famous, and for someone like me, one who hates to feel unimportant, it was an experience I have no desire to repeat. We dined at the uber famous Cafe de Paris, where I paid an exorbitant amount for an apparetnly nuveaou asian dish, which turned out to be singapore noodles with fried prawns. We did, however, get acquainted with 2 french gentlemen, one of whom is possibly the most charming and beautful specimen of the male race that I had ever come across... they took us to Papagayo and we met again at the Key west beach the next day, where they were with their children from previous marriages! how bizarre, how bizarre.. we were right next to club 55, the beach where the likes of david beckham and bruce willis procure their so called st tropez tan. the line of ferraris and BMWs did little to impress me.. after all, they were depriving me of precious tanning time.. I did, however,find myself in a screaming match with a valate who insisted that we were not to park our rented citroen in a private car park. ..

Such a shame, i did not meet my frenchman before I left Nice, but we will prehaps meet again in Paris....

My eyes did open up to myself.. this holiday. My girlfriend and i have such different personalities.. I did not approve of her less classy and glamourous attire or topic of converersation, but she has such a positive outlook on life, one which I have had to nurture within myself... she was determined to party and enjoy herself in st tropex, whilst i was too busy throwing my toys out of the crib... But i also realised, that to achieve the life that I desire, the only way is up.. and i also realised, that as mmuch as i wish for emotional intimacy, the lure of lust is too much for me to deflect..

perhaps the most amusing event on my trip was on my transit flight to paris, enroute to Nice. a 60 something year old frenchman invited me to his yacht in st tropez, and his holiday home in Nice, the next time I decided to make my way there.. he produced a business card- chairman of a hedge fund in DC...

perhaps money does make the world go round. I saw it first hand this weekend, and i had never felt so poor in my life.. all my experiences have been enriched by the afflucent peoeple I have had to fortune to become acquainted with.. but there is no such thing as a free lucnch.. holiday on a yacht with a stranger? I think not. Money does make the world go round.. i think i might just make some of my own.

Why do I feel so crazy?

When I woke up this morning, the rain was coming down. The sky was gray and i could hear the patter of the raing outside. My head was spinning from the lack of sleep, but inside, I felt a little light. Only for it to be extingushed soon after...
My last date, Mr Morroco, was showing obvious indifference. Our initial chemistry had fizzled to a big zero. Little boy V was very concerned about me, seeing that I had lost my voice and had been nursing a sore throat for 3 weeks now. But so what? He is fascinating, because he is so young but so matured. that is about it.

My friend, Mr B, and I, had lunch together. He is a Scorpio, very Scorpio. intense, suspicious, passionate, almost frightening. He spoke to me about his ex gf, someone we both know, and how she had recently been trying to manipulate him again. It pained me to see him in so much agony. I empathise, because I, for one, am fuly aware of what it feels like to be inflicted with such intensity. We both agreed, how tired we were of having lows so low, and highs so high. Of being unable to tear ourselves away from the thoughts that engulf us, of being unable to put on a facade. Perhaps I am a little more skilled in pretending that all is well with me. Virgos, intense as we are, are colder on the outside. He, on the other, has his emotions written on his face.

My throat has been in pain for 3 weeks now. The doctor has suggested a blood test for glandular fever. But what medicine do i take for lonliness? no matter how fantastic my life is, i cannot hide from the fact that i am indeed lonely. As Mr B said to me, he wants someone to want him so bad he can taste it. And that is exactly what it is . I even envy him for being able to put those feelings to words, with no remorse and no apologies for his passion. I , on the other hand , suppresse those emotions, shielding them with a shell of humour and smiles.

but we are both drawn to drama. I fall for mr personalities, men who light up the room , but have little time for anyone but themselves. He falls for psychotic bitches.
its a shame. you would think we woud be made for each other then. But the obvious is, 2 supremely intense people would drive each other crazy. We are both tired, we want to be normal. But what IS normality? I dont know... I have never known. But it is nice to know, that I may be crazy, but i am not alone.

Jadore Paris

You sometimes have the best time of your life when you least expect it. Work, on a weekend, seems crazy, but turns out , it was nothing short of amazin.

I met someone, he was amazing too. Everyone has perceptions, pre conceived notions of what others are like, how their lives will turn out, who they will be with. As do i. And then it hits you, out of the blue, with its sheer intensity that knocks the breath out of you. There he was, non chalent, oh so young, but so beautiful, so intelligent, and so innocent. In him i saw myself, minus the cynicism. Perhaps we are all narcissists.. .


we laughed, we drank , we lived for this moment.


This is one weekend never to forget. Paris, you never know what you will get in the city of lights.

Frankly, I wish i could not give a damn.

Some people see life through rose-tinted glasses. Others see it in technicolour, a bright kaleidescope reflecting the hues of the rainbow. Some though, like myself, see it black and white.
Life is a stage, and everyone must play their part. What if all the characters were bereft of colour, and life was a series of 1930s reruns.
I cannot see the grays, in people, in situations, in moments. Someone once said to me that I am perhaps bordering on manic depression- highs so high that I cannot breath. The sun so bright it threatens to blind, euphoria that aphyxiates. Lows that compare to the hades. Where the pain burns like the fires of hell for eternity.

People are good or the are evil. I love you or I hate you. I cannot see that you are only human, and like myself, perhaps you feel drawn to me, but you also feel the need to protect yourself from me. Or perhaps, like me, your life is not just about one person.

If you live every day of your life like it was the last, one day you will be right. These were the words of a friend, words that ring with pessimism, and are yet so true. In a world that is black and white, I can only see the glimmer of colour when there is another way out. When my life is about to change, or when I realise it could end at any moment. Only when these thoughts come to mind, do I find the courage to add colour to my palette.

If Love is truly blind, then perhaps I would rather not see,for I would rather be caught up in such sightless emotion, then to continue being merely, colour blind.

Searching for clarity..

Today, I achieved a coup- the launch of my new blog. Welcome the Snowqueen, pure as the snow that caps the top of Mt Fuji, with a coldness that cuts into the soul, a bitterness that bites the flesh, and within herself, lies a mountaineer who is lost.

I have waited 2/1/2 weeks, and 26 years. Each day rolls into the next, nights are a blur, as I sit in front of the screen, willing the words to come, so that I may purge my soul of the pain that grips it, squeezing the life out of my being. What is lonliness, what is happiness, what is truth and what is the end.

My emotions are like waves, tumultuous, with untenable highs and excruxiating lows. What do I cry out for? For moderation, with subudued peaks and troughs, where the highs almost touch the lows. When will this come? I suspect never. I am caught in a vicious cycle, round and round like a never ending spiral.

I awake, andd the new day brings such joy. I go to bed, and the night engulfs me in its darkness, from which I seek to escape. The wine burns my throat, the drugs dull my senses, the drip bitter but a welcomed reminder of the distaste I have for those I have had faith in and who have betrayed me.

Fuck em. I am so over poetry. The bastards can burn in hell....

When we least expect it, we are sometimes reminded of our mortality. Planes flying into buildings, cancer, tsunami, tube bombings, plane crashes. We mourne those whose live have met a premature end, and we stop to think about the plans we have, the ones that can wait until tomorrow. What if tomorrow never came?

No one wishes to die with regrets, but when we die, how do we regret? A body has no soul, an empty vessel cannot regret. But whilst we are still warm in our being, the only regret lies within ourselves. We all live with regret, every day of our lives. The regret is not something that has passed, something that cannot be changed, but it is something that we find to so deeply entrenched that we are unable or unwilling to change.

When we pray, we shall ask for the courage, to undo our regrets, before the end, when we can no longer feel what it is like, to live within our fears.

Alexander the Great.

He was the greatest conquerer in all of history. This was a man who never denied his fears, but instead lived his entire life facing up to them. Great men die young, and so it was at the age of 33, Alexander succumbed to fever as the ruler of the world, and he died a free man.
His was a life supported by the unwavering loyalty of the love of his life, Hephaistion, shrouded by the darkness of his mother, Olympias, and bolstered by the unfinished legacy of his father, Philip. He went , he saw and he conquered.

In a time when no one knew where the end of the world lay, he dared to venture into the unknown. In our time, when we have conquered the lands, the seas and the skies, our fears are no longer of the unknown. Or are they?

Alexander could not accept defeat, so he fought on. And although his failures overshadow the successes of most men, in the end, he was but a mortal. As we all are.

so what do we fear? I fear the unknown. Except, what I do not know is hardly something that lies beyond the highest peaks of the himalayas, or the deepest depths of the Pacific . What I fear, is something that most mortals have experienced- a broken heart. Alexander was one who fought numerous battles, won and never lost. And in the end, he died of a broken heart. But above all, he dared to live.

What is it to love? What is it to have lost? I do not know. There are those who are brave enough to have lost , and dared to love again. And so it is, that I, empowered by the courage of the brave, dare to find what lies in the unknown. Because to live in fear, would be to die in its shackles, and to never taste freedom.

Tick. Tick. Tick

What is a bad day? when the alarm fails to go off, the bus is late, traffic is in gridlock, your manager yells at you, it rains and you forgot your umbrella and youre wearing your Manolos.
Ive never believed in bad days. We like to string all the bad together as we do with the good. Today was no exception. I wasnt having a bad day. I was just being myself- a time bomb just waiting to explode, and today the timer ticked to 0.

For 2 weeks now, I have been comtemplating turning 27. I have been waiting with bated breathe for the results from INSEAD, my apparently successful weeklong courtship with the most recent suitor had fizzled away, and my annoyance with my company , run by a round table of incompetent fools , was simmering to the surface.

This morning, I celebrated with my mentor after successfully obtaining an internship for his 18 year old at my useless company. We chatted candidly over a coffee a chocolate cookie, and he agreed with me- my managers deserved to be shot. As I walked back to my office in the warm sunshine, my mood was light, lighter than it had been in a while. I felt inspired, as always, by my mentor. Then i heard someone call out to me , over the music playing from my ipod . It was him- Mr S. the only man i nearly fell in love with in this city. We made small talk, we squinted at each other through the glaring sun, but even then, I knew we had missed each other. (perhaps i was just projectin...). He gave me a warm, long hug and we went out separate ways.
back at the office, I was feeling fragile once more. My period was making me more emotional than usual, and his reply to my invitation to my 27th birthday party ( i will be in town and would love to attend), made my heart jump and my stomach feel sick.

Then came the straw that broke the camels back. Mr team leader in name, aka I really have no responsiblities, but i love pretending I am running a nuclear power plant, blatantly tried to palm off the most boring of his duties to ME!
I fumed, I turned red and I blew up. There was no way I was going to be bullied by him. He was less than amused by my explosion in front of the entire team, and pulled me into a room to reprimand me. Thanks to my raging hormones, I burst into tears. Ah the shame of showing weakness in the workpplace. Nevertheless I managed to be petulant and insubordinate whilst contributing to deforestation with the number of tissues i was using to blow my nose. Fuck off, I dont need to talk about my problems, much less with you.

Of course, I then had to re-glamourise and head back to my clients office and if i really believed in bad days, i was definlintey having one. There are 2 buildins, with 7 levels each, and my meeting that afternoon was with a new client who sat right behind Mr S. Sigh.

Perhaps we are all ticking away.. just waiting for that final moment.. the timer has been restarted.. for now.